not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
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I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
man: wait
time: no
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
(Electricians.)
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.