Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
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person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”