I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
You Might Also Like
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
What’s a Messi?
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
become ungovernable
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.