Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
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My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Okay
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
plant them where lol