Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
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How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
My plans: 2020:
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.