i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
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Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
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[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.