Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
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When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
what
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.