I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
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Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team