Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
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[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
The three genders
necessity is the mother of invention
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
We cut our bangs at dawn.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??