Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
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[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I’m just playing devils avocado here