[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
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[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
starting a garage orchestra
Happy Friday
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.