“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
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#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door