I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
You Might Also Like
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating