[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
You Might Also Like
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
good work, everybody
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.