Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
You Might Also Like
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?