[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
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Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
You are what you delete.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce