It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
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This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
same bro
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?