I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
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a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025