police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
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First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
What even happened today?
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.