Lmao
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You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?