Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
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House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Cake!!
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Brb my Sims are getting married
Happy Taco Tuesday
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what