Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
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I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave: