Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
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Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.