I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
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my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
The real reason evolution started..😂
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”