A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
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I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
A drum solo but on your face.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*