Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
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My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.