Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
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I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.