“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
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didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.