What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
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Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Breaking news:
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …