The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
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If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
okay run it by me one more time
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?