When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
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We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
I want this so bad
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.