“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
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How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example