Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
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My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.