I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
You Might Also Like
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Oh boy, $150,000!
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this