E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
You Might Also Like
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.