My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
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just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Me if I was a dog
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying