my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
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“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
So we got a goldfish…
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
This is not me but this is me
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.