Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
You Might Also Like
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”