My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
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Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I see your IQ test came back negative
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.