ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
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Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
A dead goose is called a ghoost
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?