For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
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Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.