I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
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[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?