My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
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Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Eat…
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.