My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
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Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.