LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
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Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
what could possibly go wrong?
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Always leave them wanting their money back.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”