Air pods looking like an angry frog
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I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
That’s amazing.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman: