I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
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I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known