Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
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Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
The best plant holders?
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.