Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
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No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Spring of Deception
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.