had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
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Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
subtitles are so good nowadays
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef